Stuck between the lines

Boundaries [noun]: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line; a limit of a subject or sphere of activity.

The line between us stands bold and resistant.

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These lines represent the enclosure I have built for myself. The ones I set up whenever I’m confronted about things as simple as where I was born or where my parents work. The boundaries I set up are meant to keep myself at most ease; they both limit others from pursuing a conversation I am not ready for and limit myself from sharing too much in a potentially unsafe space. Often, there is this sense of security and safety that comes with not disclosing my identities as an undocumented Latina since I don’t always feel the need nor the want to explain myself or my background to others without getting emotional. Staying between the lines isn’t always the best option, but I’ve found it to often be the safest.

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While most of my boundaries are self-imposed, there are systemic boundaries in my life which I often have no control over and  frankly, have limited ability to tear down. Regardless of the ones I don’t have control over, I’ve learned when to lower my boundaries such as through my writing, where it is easier to share my status and it requires no direct confrontation. My writing is a safe space where I have the strength to speak up about my personal lived experiences. I find security in letting down my guard and proving others wrong whenever I surpass a boundary that society has placed on me.

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It wasn’t until I was at UCLA that I learned to let my 

guard down and open up about my genuine ideas and morals. I’m grateful that I feel represented in spaces with like-minded people from similar communities to those I belong to where I can simply voice whatever is going through my mind at the moment. 

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel hesitant when sharing views opposite from those my family and church followed. I didn’t feel shame in opening up about my status. I didn’t feel resisticted anymore and learned to believe that it is possible to succeed despite my status and the boundaries placed against undocumented students pursuing higher education. I didn’t feel as if I had to hide this legal boundary when forming relationships because I felt empowered to share my identity rather than hide it. I soon moved on to breaking new generational boundaries by being the first child to move out of the house, despite being unmarried, in order to pursue a college education. I learned to set my own boundaries beginning with my religious and moral beliefs. It felt relieving to finally tiptoe across the bolded lines I refused to previously cross.

Recently, society seems to be moving backwards much faster than it is moving forwards, and I fear that the progress I made in breaking down boundaries for myself will eventually be reversed. The pressure to constantly be an activist for my  community is always followed by the fear of the country’s future during election cycles. I fear that DACA may be rescinded or that I will be placed into an enclosure of fear once again due to the boundaries placed against me that would prevent me from ever reaching citizenship, or even reach the high stakes of fearing deportation once again.

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Stepping over the line was not easy to begin with, nor will it be to enclose myself behind them once again, if I have to. I question when I’ll ever have these boundaries lifted for good and hope that I’ll soon be able to cross the line without fear. I think about how much of my life I have published, even if it is very minimal. I think about how anything I have published, or even having applied to DACA, could be traced back to me and negatively affect me in the future, thus reinforcing the systematic boundaries the country impedes me from crossing.

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For now, under the uncertainty of our current administration and election, I stand in this middle ground where I can proceed to share as much as makes me comfortable or recreate boundaries which prevent me from disclosing too much about myself based on the outcome of the election. Ultimately, I am okay with how much I have shared with others thus far, but I know that there are always risks, fears, and doubts that will never truly go away. In the meantime, I stand where I have always been my entire life, conflicted between stepping over the line or enclosing myself between them.

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To view this article in its full designed glory, head over to our Issuu to view our Fall 2020 Boundaries Issue!